Mental breakdown

Hey whatsup. Its currently 4:43a.m and i have already full of sleep since half past 5pm. I woke up at 12 and do my meals and pray. Then i talk to my boyfriend until hes asleep. 

So. Now i have my mental breakdown season. I just wanna say, no one ever understand what i feel in my life. Since i was high school, i used to have low self esteem. I lost friends, and lost interest in having friends. I lost my life. I lost everything that i used to be before. 

I was so friendly before this. Then, after ive been betrayed for so many time, i dont have interest to be on social with people. I know people doesnt like to be with me, bcs they find me annoying? I guess. 

Sorry ni malam saya punya english a bit messy, agak kebodoh bodoh sikit. Because my mind is sick right now. But i still want to learn english. But this time, never mind. I just write more in Bahasa Melayu.

Ever since, aku habis sekolah and habis study asasi di selangor, i lost interest dalam bersosial dengan sesiapa. Bcs i think, i dont deserved to be friends with them. Yala, diorang ada degree, diploma. Me? Setakat asasi, separuh jalan. Itupun tiada perancangan masa depan. I lost. I dont know dimana path yang sepatutnya saya berada. I lost friends sedikit demi sedikit. Daripada afina ke nadya. Ke fazrin dan lain lain. Semua sudah berubah. Masing2 ada kehidupan sendiri. Ada kawan masing2. Kawan baru. Hidup baru. Me? Still the same. In the progress to learn living my own self.

I dont even minta duit dengan parents. I work on my own. Business online. But still, macam biasa. Up and down. Kadang ada, kadang tiada. Dulu masa dapat banyak duit, i used to boros. But now, i want to do saving. Being boros is not sihat at all. 

But at this time, i have a very hard time to get money. Not easy as yg sebelum ni. Maybe Allah mahu saya just fokus dengan dia, and mahu saya lebih berpositif. I have nobody to bergantung now, selain Allah. Bapa and my boyfriend pun tmpt saya bergantung juga tp tidak selalu. Bapa support transport utk cod barang. And living. Kalau boyfriend, utk support jalan jalan and full fill my cravings. Allah is segala galanya. Tempat mengadu, minta tolong. Without Him, im nothing. Once ago, i lalai. Lupakan dia. Solat pun jarang. Tapi bila di waktu sekarang ni, ive learn benda baru. Once we put our God in the first place, He'll do everything to be you side. But i know he'll always be my side eventhough i lupa Dia dulu.

But one thing for now. My mother. My mother used to let myself down. She used to be like "kau mana pandai bgini, begitu" more to like dia bilang saya bodoh tidak tahu apa apa. Pernah saya cakap "aku nnti kalau ada rumah sendiri,.." then dia potong, "setakat jual jual mcm tu, kau boleh dpt rumah sendiri?" And aku down gila. Kalau ingat tu mesti aku down gila gila. 

Shes such a satan. Dia ganggu fikiran aku. Dia penghalang untk segala2nya. If aku semangat buat sesuatu, dia akan bilang "you never do it" SIAL LAAAAA SIALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!

Tapi, kata2 dia tu akan buatkan aku bangkit. Aku akan buktikan dekat dia yg aku bukan bodoh macam yang dia sangka.

For now, i just want to focus on my business. And focus on myself, God, my father and my boyfriend. Thats all.

Sorry guys ayat berterabur. Betul2 mind rosak sekarang.